I'm weak, but I can do this.

I've been vaping since I was 14. My buddy had one and would let me hit it, got sick of me asking and ended up getting me my own. I was the kid who said I'd never smoke cigarettes, but going through depression at that time I gave up and stopped caring, so I decided to try it since nothing mattered to me.

I went from a pen, to a box mod, to disposables. Salt nic is definitely so much worse for you and that's truly when it went from something I did, to something I did all the time. It's so bad that I hit it in my sleep. My fiance has seen me randomly sweeping the bed with my hand in my sleep, looking for my vape. She's had me blow clouds directly in her face because I'm sleep vaping. I was sleeping at my parents on the couch one time and my dad saw me hit it in my sleep. I sneak into the bathroom at work because I can't go more than 2 hours without it... it's really pathetic.

I've never quit for more than 24 hours. I've always had a way to have access to it. My last true attempt I made it maybe 16 hours, with most of that time being me sleeping. I barely even want to quit, but I know that's just the addiction talking. I'm deathly afraid of my emotions and I know I'm using nicotine as a way to avoid them and I'm afraid of what's gonna come to the surface.

I quit yesterday, but I found an almost-dead vape in the trash that I hit a few times throughout the day. I slept like shit last night and did sneak off to hit it a few times, but it's DEFINITELY dead now and is 100% burnt cotton. I forgot about a disgusting grape vape I've kept in my car, so this morning I grabbed that and hit it. I worked up the courage to trash that just now, covered in gross stuff, so now there should be 0 nicotine available to me without buying more. This just goes to show how weak I am though. I hear stories on here of people who have just randomly quit for a few days before without actually intending on quitting and I wish it was at least a little bit easier for me like that.

Bring on the pain and sufferring. I'm weak and this is going to be a monumental task for me mentally, but I want to be done. I want to be done for my fiance. I want to be done for my future children. I want to be done for my finances. I want to be done for my health. I want to be done for me. I've been vaping for a decade and only 3 of those years were legally!! Enough is enough.